No fun in fundamentalism

So I probably shouldn't blog when I'm in the mood I'm in, but I think this NEEDS to be blogged on while upset, angry and raw.  People NEED to see/hear/understand the extent of the pain felt for, let's be honest, what is a majority of people in God's Church.

So yes, I am fresh from the 'no' to women Bishops vote, and am going to subtitle this post:
'Below the Dog Collar'...

I had hoped, obviously, that the vote today at General Synod would be in favour of women Bishops.  I knew in reality it could go either way, but it wasn't until the negative news emerged that I realised, in my heart, I'd thought it would go through...I mean, this is 2000 AND 12 after all!!!! Or, 2012 as most people type it! When I heard it hadn't gone through, BY JUST 6 votes in the House of Laity (laity = religious people/church goers, who are not ordained clergy), I was gutted, shocked, disgraced, upset, angry, incredibly sad, and basically disappointed among any other negative emotion.  I could have cried, shouted, sweared, etc, BUT I was on the phone at the time, so obviously didn't!  I was on the phone to a lovely, Christian lady who has been unwell recently and I've been keeping up with how she is, etc. (I will come back to this later).

When off the phone, I went to a work meeting, but I could NOT bring myself to put my clerical collar on (or 'dog collar' as most people call it!).

I came back from the meeting, and did what I do when I'm upset, no matter how old I get, I phoned my mum.  She knew I'd be gutted with the vote (and equally so, her, and also my non-religious father, were).  I told her how devastated I was, how hurt I was, how disappointed and ultimately how disillusions I was/am.  I told her I didn't know how I could go on working for the Anglican Church.  Many of my friends have voiced their feelings on this topic on facebook too, and we discussed some of the themes that came through, such as those feeling 'very sad', 'embarassed' by their church, considering moving to a different denomination, etc.  My good friend James Lock, statused, "That's the sound of another door shutting in, In the face of progress, in the face of progress." while another friend, Mairi Ramsdale, commented on James' status, "Just wondering if I fell asleep and woke up in the 19th century.", and again later, quite rightly, in reply to one of my statuses on the subject, that "The church should be taking a lead in ending discrimination, not a lead in perpetrating it."  While the Vice-Principal of my former college (Ripon College, Cuddesdon), Reverend Professor Mark Chapman, commented on his own status that it was "A sad day for the mission of the church".  Among the calls of Christians that it was 'disapointing', 'makes no sense' and they were 'in shock' and 'feeling let down', were shouts from my non-religious friends that it's 'absolutley discusting', etc.  Reverend Caroline Rhodes, a friend I went to theological college with, tried to keep us all in perspective by commenting that, "I'm trying to think of it as what have six members of the house of laity of synod done. I rather hope my church believes that I am fully human and therefore part of what Christ assumed and redeemed..."  This reminded me that 42 out of 44 dioceses voted IN FAVOUR of women Bishops, The House of Bishops voted in favour of it, and the House of Clergy voted in favour of it, with only the House of Laity in General Synod voting against it (with just 6 votes too many against in the house of laity swinging the notion against). In fact, I believe 72.6% of Synod members voted for female Bishops!

I don't mean to bang on with why I feel this should've gone through, with why this result is devastating for a number of people, for women's ministry, for women, for the Church, for the Christian faith, for mission, and for the general view of God and God's place in modern society in the West, for God's inclusivity in a world that seeks to 'use' His name to uphold discrimination, etc.  I don't want to bang on about that right now, as it's all so darn obvious!!

What I want to say, is that, the general question on mine, and most of my friends lips, is now, what next?!  And sadly, I don't know the answer to this.

What I do know, is that as the vote came through, I wondered if I could continue to do this 'job'.  I looked around and felt saddened that everything I own has been bought with Church money, the house I live in has been given by the Church, and my whole work and identity etc is based around a very Church which refuses to accept fully and wholly the ministry of women.

So what does this leave us with???.....a few options;...Firstly, is my suggestion of all female Church of England Priests resigning en masse and seeing what happens, and if the laity that voted against women’s ministry could step in and rescue the situation that would follow as a third of C of E ministers stopped ministering.
The problem with this is, that, and I take you back to where I started, on the phone to a lovely Christian lady, a lady who, obviously, like many in the C of E (as well as those who aren't!), deserve the love and support of the church, in whatever shape and size that comes. Which also brings me to the meeting I went to following this phone conversation, and also to the conversation I had immediately afterwards with my mother....no one in that meeting or in those phone calls, are opposed women's ministry and none of them deserve to be left in the lurch as the house of laity has made a cock-up (yes I'm going to label it that!). My mum also kept reassuring me that this vote wasn't personally against my ministry, though it is very hard not to feel that it is.
But all this leads me to the point that even though it feels like the world is telling me (and I'm sure other female ministers feel the same) that what we do is worthless, in reality, it's not....and we need to keep reminding ourselves this in such times.
But then again, if we (female deacons and Priests) all resigned at once, it would make people realise that the C of E as we know it would be unworkable without female ministers, there would be such a mess that would follow without women in ministry, the possible collapse of the current parish system as we know it and the total let down of millions of people as the Church fails, by simply not having enough 'man-power' with just the current male ministers, to continue as is. And, on another note, personally I'd prefer being ministered to by those trained, skilled, qualified, experienced, prayerful people called to ministry and leadership, etc., rather than the laity who voted against who I suggest are left to pick up the pieces! (IMPORTANT NOTE: This is obviously NOT aimed at the majority of laity!!)

So, where was I?! I know....what we're left with, is either a rebellion and the following mess as female minsters revolt (something I'd go with, if necessary!);
Sticking with things as is, as we try to continue to change things from the inside;
Leaving sadly to other denominations or secular jobs;
Or continuing to minister to those who need it, appreciate it, and want it.
Or....maybe another option I can't even think of right now while I'm so tried, dismayed, and confounded.

Clearly I've not got an appropriate answer, response, or way forward..but since when was anything I did, 'appropriate'?!haha-Joke!

Instead, this is a raw and honest post on how I (and possibly others) feel at the moment.  And all I can do is speak the truth, which is, that I took off my clerical collar tonight and so far can not bring myself to put it back on again, sadly (though obviously I have no desire to stop ministering to God's people and expressing the love of God in my prayers, words and actions).  This is where the Church of England currently is, and this is where the Church of England needs to find a way out of...